A helping hand would help my hands.

So I got a urinary track infection.

Pat- So I got a urinary track infection..

Filing Cabinet- How'd you swing that one?

Pat- From sitting when I take a piss...something to do with improper drainage.

Coffee Mug- ...why do you sit while you piss?

Pat- OH! It's a great time to relax and assess the days events.

[Flashback scene of Pat in bathroom stall filing out a colouring book, with an assortment of crayons and pencils, laughing wildly.]

[Return to blank stares around the room.]

Coffee Mug- (Breaks silence with an obviously awkward tone) Oh look! Here comes Jerry looking chipper as ever! Always a grin on that boy!

Pat- Him and the Mrs.‘s had another falling out, I’m sure he'll have a story or two for us.

Jerry- Have I got a story for you!

Coffee Mug- Do tell good sir!

Jerry- (Grabs a cup of coffee, loosens his belt, and sits down with a *thud*) It's Tuesday night, right around 6:58PM, and I'm in the bathroom having one hell of a time crunching out a shit. Keep getting those little Mc`nuggets, much similar to handful of pebbles.

[Shot of everyone in the room understandingly nodding]

[Shot of Jerry in bathroom doing as explained.]

Jerry- So as I’m sitting there waiting to pass go again, I begin to think about those nuggets of shit… and I mean really think. I start to wonder why they won't just… stick together and come out of my asshole as one. Now I'm high as trees so I proceed to get off the toilet, bend over and confront my shit(s) directly.

[Returning shot to everyone sitting in the office]

Pat- What the fuck?!…You were talking to your shit?

Jerry- You shut your fucking mouth, or the next time I'm squeezing off some conversation around here, I'll be wiping with one of your fucking colouring books!

[Shot returns to flashback]

Jerry- Now where were we… right, so I’m bent over offering my analytical side to the ol' porcelain ear drum, when who of all people bursts in the god damn door!…. Sally!

[Quick swinging shot from Jerry at the toilet to Sally standing in the door looking horrified]

(Upon the introduction of Sally, there’s a quick returning shot to the room. At this point Edward, a fellow employee, bursts in the door, violently slams a tub of margarine on the table, unzips his fly and reaches into his pants)

Jerry- (Points towards Edward) Not now Ed.

[ 4 lines above this should all take place in about a 5 second time span ]

[Quickly returns to flashback scene]

Jerry- In a burst of panic I resort to a childlike instinct and immediately rush to cover what I’m doing with my hands... as if to hide it... or something? I certainly didn’t think it through as much as I should have, because when I pulled my hands up they were covered in shit.

Things to include still:

- Wife vomits, over-exaggerated reaction, slips in her puke, hits head of sink, gets knocked out, laying in puddle of puke/blood.

- Kids and/or their grandparents come home to find sally covered in puke bleeding and Jerry staring at her with shit on his hands.

-Kids/Grandparents end up in the shit/puke and blood mess, dog come home…something to that effect. Follow the pattern of events in Godzuki by Sufjan Stevens.